Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Grief...Get Over It

It's been several months now since I intentionally decided to give up fighting my grief and just roll with it. I wanted so desperately for it to be over, to the point where I was obsessing over it - waking up every morning wondering "am I over it yet?"

Let's recap my last year, shall we? I lost (well, quit) my job, lost my relationship, my home, my 18-year old cat, my lifestyle, my things (that's an interesting one), my best friend, my comfort, and my security. Let's see...ummm, nope. Still not over it.

"Getting through this."

What does that even mean, anyway? Getting through what? The grief? The longing? The sadness? But there's lots of times (more and more frequently, thank God), when I feel joy, acceptance and happiness. Doesn't that imply that, in some ways - or at least at some moments - I've gotten through it? It is today, and yesterday is no more...so can't I say I successfully "got through" yesterday as well?

I am also beginning to think there's an inherent lie I'm believing in the concept of "getting through this". It implies that life is a drudge -- something that warrants "getting through". But, the truth I want to believe - or the perception I am hoping is truth - is that life is a gift. It is something to breathe in, savor and experience. And, that it's all a gift, regardless of how it feels or how we biologically react to it.

While there are many aspects of my life that I seek clarity in - or areas in which I seek closure, or elements where I desire contentment - I'm feeling more and more that the pure, simple gift of life supersedes all of these things. This world does not exist to provide me with clarity, closure and contentment. And I don't need these things in order to interact with the world. I can live in it, participate, perpetuate, activate and advocate - regardless of my personal circumstances. Not to devalue my personal and intimate growth, as its necessary for learning how to interact with the world. Just that there is a careful balance, and I miss the beauty of the bigger picture when I obsess over the details.

It's not about "getting" through it, it's about "moving" through it. What's interesting about holding awareness of my joy alongside the awareness of my grief is that I'm beginning to realize I am believing a lie that I have to be perfect before I can say I've "gotten through it". Today, I can step out into this world - loved and lonely, confident and insecure, laughing and grieving, amazing and broken - all at the same time. Moving, not manifesting. Living, not setting expectations. Accepting, not seeking. Without motive or judgment or expectations...just to live.

I am not drudging, I am moving. Liquid, Fluid, free.

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