Friday, July 30, 2010

Ambiguity

If there's anything I have had the opportunity to learn from these past few fumbling weeks, it would definitely be that I suck at ambiguity.

Ambiguity terrifies me because I am completely helpless in it; I can't control or orchestrate any part of it, therefore, I must be weak and feeble.  Ambiguity throws me into an incessant anxiety, ultimately landing in a frenzied state of obsession over how I might control or fix it.  Ambiguity keeps me up at night thinking about those things.  It makes me feel like my life is spinning out of control, which then manifests itself by way of my own decisions and behaviors.  Ambiguity brings out the ugliness of my impatience and shatters the picture-perfect perception my ego has created to show the world how together I am.

Ambiguity drives my worst fears to the forefront of my mind.  It causes me to focus my expectations on those fears as a means to avoid falling too far from hope.  Ambiguity is a bitter reminder of my isolation -- that it's not only I who can't fix it, but actually there's no one who can.  Regardless of that truth, ambiguity drives me into a ranting babble of overshare with others, desperate for a response that lends itself to restoring my security.

Ambiguity drags me straight out of faith and directly into fear.  It possesses me; freezes me.  It is, perhaps, the darkest of all circumstances that reveals the ugliness of my inner-most shadows:  Insecurity, doubt, impatience, self-hatred, lack of faith, bitterness, unfeeling, uncaring, obsessive, selfish and angry.

And, yes, I am all these things. (Sorry, ego, but I am).  Sometimes so much so that I am consumed by darkness - by my shadow.

I don't have things under control and I actually don't know what I am doing half the time.  I am insecure, and so desperately want you to like me; to love me.  I feel stupid and incomplete, then I get mad at the world as if it's your fault.  All of these characteristics lie present and just as real as all the ways in which I am wonderful.

And this is me.

I have to consider that everything that has happened to me over the past few weeks -- every choice I have made and consequence I've faced -- really has just held the simple purpose of bubbling this reality to the surface of my consciousness.  It was all the ways in which my true self - so desperately wanting to be seen and known, had to slap me around to make me aware of how much power I am lending to ambiguity.  Only in consciousness and awareness can I begin to shift that power...open myself up to accepting it more freely while still maintaining trust.

I have to move on and move through this.  I can't go back and make different choices, and I can't change the consequences.  Whether or not my actions have changed the perception others may have of me is inconsequential.  As a matter of fact, chalk another point up for ambiguity because I actually can't control that.

But I can know what I know, which is that I am loved by so many people regardless of my behavior or choices, good and bad.  I have a whole network of friends and family who don't know or haven't even noticed my fumbling follies of weeks past.  I can take my own advice, often given to my brother, that I am actually not so important that people are spending their time obsessing over how stupid or out of control or annoying I am.

I hate that I can't control it, but at least I am finally (slowly) accepting that as truth.  I can't control consequences, I can't change the past, and I cannot know the future.

Damn, that is so uncomfortable.

My only charge today is presence.  Presence in the present.  That's it.  It's all I can physically do in this moment.

I don't even know how to set intent around that.  It just is.  And I am sitting (uncomfortably) with that.

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